Before I explain why I feel so angry at this attitude, I should clarify what I am not saying. I am not saying that we should not feel pain, or that there is not a need for care and counseling to take into account the type of pain we are dealing with. Not at all! Obviously the above sentiment does have a basis in reality. There is certainly a sense in which we really can't understand exactly what someone else is going through. It would be foolish to say otherwise. In fact, I remember when I first read C.S.Lewis' book A Grief Observed. I found the book profoundly disturbing the first time I read it. Why? The book is a journal of Lewis' thoughts after his wife died of cancer, and in the first half of the book he bitterly questions almost everything that he had written so confidently about in all his other books. I, who have never lost anybody close to me by death, saw into a world that I frankly had not imagined existed. I guess I thought that the people who got terribly distraught at inevitabilities like death had some sort of spiritual problem. But the man in that book sounded so different from the spiritually wise and joyful Lewis whose other books I had been encouraged by, that I had to change my whole attitude toward those who grieve. I am not nearly so confident of how I will react when I experience the inevitable separation of the death of a loved one. I am sure that I still have much to learn about life, and can learn more about getting into other people's hearts and minds to be a comfort to them. That is why Paul wrote at the start of 2 Corinthians that "God comforts us in our afflictions so that we will be able to comfort others with the comfort with which we have been comforted".
So the point of this blog is not to imply that everybody's pain is not unique, nor is it meant to belittle anybody's private suffering, nor is it to say that we all don't need to grow in our own understanding as we suffer ourselves. What I am saying is that this should cause us to reach out all the more to each other, rather than using our pain as a way to build walls around ourselves, which really end up being made of resentment toward others who have had it better than we have.
So, what is the problem with the "you can never understand my pain"? Why do I think it is a pernicious attitude? Because:
- It separates people into little private "pain groups". (You will never be a member of mygroup and how dare you even try to offer a comforting remark! How insensitive of you to trivialize my pain with your "it will be alright" platitudes!) Anything that fragments us into isolated subgroups only weakens us as a whole.
- It sanctions self-pity as a virtuous activity ("oh, poor me! All my FaceBook friends, tell me how much you all feel sorry for me!"). People who relish their own pitiful condition as a way of getting sympathy often never get over their own problems. Many people would prefer wallowing in their own inadequacy rather than taking responsibility for growing up.
- It gives many people a pervasive sense of entitlement. ("You have to excuse my obnoxious behavior because I am hurting."). Again personal responsibility goes out the window, and others who do not acknowledge your superior position as a victim become objects of bitterness.
- It is used by manipulators (like politicians) to create entrenched power bases ("I feel your pain", "my opponent will never understand you." "You are the 99%! You are a poor victim of rich people. I will give you their money if you vote for me!"),
- It creeps into families and churches, wreaking havoc and destroying the unity that we should have as Christians, family members and as human beings.
As an extreme example, I remember a friend of mine who came from a staunchly Catholic family, who was telling me how much his brother hated evangelical protestants. When I asked why it was so visceral with him specifically, I was told this story: Evidently someone came to his door one day to share his faith, but it was not long after the brother's wife had had a miscarraige. According to my friend, when he told the visitor about the sad news, the visitor said something like "well, at least the child is now with Jesus". Horrors! That earned a yelling, door-slamming reaction of offense from my friend's brother, who now labeled protestants as evil incarnate. To me the message seemed to be "How dare you try to offer comforting words to me! You don't know what I am going through!" This story struck me as very sad. Two Christians (at least by profession) could have drawn together and shared comfort in Christ, but instead the pain was a wedge (or bludgeon) to further separate people.
That may seem to be an extreme example, and I am not remotely saying that this is a Catholic thing. I have seen this in many other contexts as well. The point is that, over and over again, this kind of mindset will always be used for division, for justification of badness, and to excuse a self-serving or bitter attitude.
What is the practical part of my observations? That is harder, and will be dealt with in part 3...
